Friday, October 24, 2008

When at a loss for words, flick boogers

The older I get, the more obnoxious I find it to be approached with cheesy pick-up lines and unsolicited propositions. I used to be flattered when I got hit on. Then flattery quickly turned into irritation (don't check out my ass when I'm comparing brands of cat litter please). Now that I am engaged it's practically maddening. I'm getting married. I'm done looking. Leave me alone!

What makes things even worse is that jellyfish have more backbone than I do. When most women could simply say, "please leave me alone," I simply smile and clench my jaw with impatience. If someone doesn't take the time to note the engagement ring on my finger I may nonchalantly scratch my forehead with my left hand to get the point across. This usually does the trick.

When it doesn't, I am forced to use a more obvious approach... (a skill that I happen to master)

Image from here

Guys don't like it when girls pick their noses. Ever. Even my little Nick-Knack grimaces and shoos me away when I pick a big one then proudly move my finger in his direction (it's a bad habit I picked up after 'Drop Dead Fred' and haven't been able to shake. The best time was when he caught me goin' to town in public then leaned over and whispered, "What the hell are you doing? We're in a buffet line for Christ's sake!").

Not that long ago I had a problem with a guy that worked in my building following me onto the MAX after work and pestering me (there is a fine line between being friendly and being...slimy). I tried scratching my forehead a couple times to no avail. A few times I got to the MAX, saw him waiting, then decided I would rather hoof it the twenty-something blocks home in 3" heels than endure the harassment. Finally, one day I was left with no other option than to show him I meant business. I brought my ring finger to my face while he was telling me about his daily workout routine, smiled sweetly, then proceeded to work it up my nose while he spoke.

I don't know if it was that he finally noticed the disco ball sparkling on my ring finger, or the fact that I had a whole knuckle jammed up my nostril, but he quickly furrowed his brows, grew silent mid-sentence, then politely excused himself from my company. He hasn't bothered me since.

Works. Every. Time.

Not the best solution, but a lifesaver for a girl who can't just simply say, "beat it".

Boogers: 1

Creepy guy with monthly pass to 24hr fitness: 0


Jenny.Lee said...

OMG. You rock.

Guilty Secret said...

OMG absolutely cracking up here! Would I have the guts to try it? Probably not!

LauraAnn said...

Oh my gosh! I am sitting at work cracking up after reading your post!!! That is AWESOME!

Kelley at My Island Wedding said...

I bet it does work! Go for it! (Love the photo...)

Rachel said...

OMG - okay, that laughter you hear, coming from a southeasterly direction from you?? It's me.

Seriously, that's hilarious. But if you have the confidence to pick your nose in public - facing somebody who's talking to you - you should have the confidence to just tell him to beat it. Or at least be kind of rude and ignore him.

Amanda said...

You would think I would have the balls... but my problem is I hate hurting people's feelings. I would much rather a guy think I'm gross than think I'm a bitch. It's weird, I know.

J.BRIDE said...

lmao - you're the best! That's a great tactic, I usually just start talking to myself like a crazy woman and twitching (I learned that from my mom, lol but picking my nose might be even cooler!

thanks for leading me to your personal blog as well :)

Peonies and Polaroids said...

What a unique approach! I favour The Look of Death, known to wither a man to nothing at ten paces.

Jennifer Walker Morehead said...

You're hilarious!